diseased

that girl's all full of disease.

she said this as a warning. she assumed i was interested in some sort of company for the night and seeing that girl chat me up like a horny adolescent, she thought she'd help me out. the warning was appreciated, not that i would've pursued it, but sometimes it's just good to know these things. knowing more about your world lets you make more educated decisions on who you want to be. otherwise you're just full of assumptions without any reason. although some girls just say shit about other girls so they can have you for themselves.

food is not like crayons

this was only a test. i meant to say some metaphor involving food and collecting crayons, but it didn't work, so instead, this;

never used to

i've been dreaming lately and remembering them; i never used to. for some reason they only involve people from my past who i've lost contact with. this tends to give them a creepy aura of longing and misplaced affection or nostalgia. i'm not sure that i'd be happier dreaming about people i still interact with on a regular basis, though it'd make things more relevant.

a walk

i went for a walk to get something to eat, thinking of nothing inparticular. after eating i went to a record store and browsed through the albums. there, i repeatedly stumbled upon records that made me think of a girl, a past lover. so i left the store and went for a walk. i passed a couple, walking hand in hand on this sunny afternoon. the girl carried an umbrella to hide herself from the sun and the boy kissed her as they walked under her umbrella. seeing this reminded me of a moment shared with a past lover. my walk took me to a park where i sat on a bench to read a book about cute and awkward moments, which forced me to think of a past lover, if only to imagine and relate. but now, thinking about it, and writing down all these now past moments and memories of love, i realize; like each moment, love's just a passing thing.

ups and downs all around

i saw everyone i know in this city today. i probably won't see anyone again for several months now. or perhaps this is a hopeful sign of things to come. however, if the world ends soon i might consider myself lucky, though feel a little remorse, to have seen it all take place. at least to have been a part of it. ups and downs all around.

it would be funny, i think, to see any animal fly that can't, or shouldn't. did they ever figure out how the bumblebee flies? or the hummingbird? i don't know, i'm asking you.

i should get used to being social or alone. neither one feels too comfortable in excess.

decay

now we're making decisions. now we're living.

scratch that, i think i'll be just as happy or miserable despite these decisions. perhaps. (really this is only my way of justifying whatever decision i make. kind of like cheating myself into being happy/settling.)

unwelcome confessions and advice come all too frequently. we're probably not happy because we can't just do what we want exactly when we want to.

"everything makes us impatient. perhaps we feel remorse for a life which is too long, from the pont of view of the species, for the use we make of it."
-baudrillard

oh jeez.

free beer

the said hawaiian tropic girl kept coming up to us to talk, at her sister's wedding reception. not that we were all that interesting, but enthusiastic and increasingly drunk, as she was. i didn't know anyone there except the friend i arrived with, but the father of the bride (and the hawaiian tropic girl) kept replacing our empty beer cups with full ones. we didn't have to leave the table to drink, flirt, or browse the karaoke book, only to piss. the bride sang karaoke and we flirted with her sister until everyone was way past drunk and the reception hall employees began to kick us out. all the wedding guests went home, but we were not wedding guests, so we went to the bars for the extended flirting and drinking which would inevitably take place. i can never have fun like this without forgetting there's a future.

now we're living

now we're making decisions. now we're living.

uncertainty and fear resolved only with money and inflated self-esteem. some people never know certain kinds of comfort.

sitting on a beach with a nice girl feels like opportunity and hope even if there is none.

God; a metaphor

i thought i saw the word 'God' there, but at a second glance i realized it wasn't there. the word 'God' wasn't on the page at all. i couldn't even find a word i might have mistaken for it. expectations are built up and torn down abruptly like great civilizations.

jazz

i went out once, to get drunk. i met up with some people who i didn't really know and we went to a party where i didn't know anyone. once there i wandered around a bit to see if there was any way it could be fun and there wasn't. so i called a friend and went to meet up with her group. i found them wandering the streets. the place they planned to go was lame, so we wandered and then the group stopped and sat down on some steps in front of an ex-girlfriend of mine's house. an ex who i hadn't talked to in several months. i wasn't entirely comfortable with our resting spot, but i tried my best to look casual. a few of the girls in the group were busy networking on their phones, trying to find a destination. eventually they found one, which didn't sound too promising, but we went.

after traveling to the other side of the city, we arrived at a house where a few people were drinking, but it certainly wasn't a party. it was a crappy little house, and most people were watching tv. i wasn't drunk at all. there was strange talk of a party next door, so we decided to check it out. it was a "no clothes" party and people were dressed in duct tape suits, saran wrap, basically anything they could cover themselves with other than clothes. we obviously weren't dressed for the occasion, but we got some cups and after a few drinks the clothes shed easy and nobody cared.

the beer tasted of sweet honey and the music was a melodic jazz. it was an artsy/bohemian crowd, people who were about getting drunk and enjoying company. my friend and a friend of hers were getting hit on by this strange character who appeared almost thirty, wearing only a pair of skimpy red swim trunks. he was trying usuccessfully to show off. he pretended to dance, which the girls managed to turn into a dance off between the two of us. which somehow turned into me showing a girl how to swing dance, which lead to her showing me how to salsa dance. this deteriorated into me drunkenly spinning her around while she flailed and spun exuberantly.

after leaving the party we walked down the local bar strip, my friend, her salsa dancing companion, and i. we were drunk. the streets were full as it was nearing bar time. we heard some yelling as we meandered through the thick crowds. i looked up towards the source and saw a scared man and a fist in the air which connected with his head. as his face landed hard on the concrete the crowd spreaded some, but not entirely. my friend bent down to try and help him. his friends were off to the side on their cell phones, i dont know how i knew they were his friends, maybe they weren't. he was bleeding profusely and her hands were covered with blood from trying to help him. we left him with his "friends," who seemed to have allowed it to happen. we then went to a nearby apartment of this guy the salsa dancer knew, to drop her off, and so my friend could wash her hands. there were two guys sitting on a couch rolling a joint, one guy showed her where the bathroom was while we tried to explain why she was covered in blood. once she cleaned herself off, i walked my friend back to her place and then went home myself. drunk.

spring break

my favorite spring break in college was spent living out of a suitcase with a backpack full of books, sleeping on friends' couches in a snowy city. my least favorite spring break was spent in cancun, mexico, staying at a fancy hotel on the beach.

i turned a corner

incoherent drunkenness took place one night, or over the course of a night. somehow i became isolated from my companions at a party, in an unfamiliar part of a city i was new to. i was incapable of making my way home, though i didn't realize it. in the middle of a frigid winter night i wandered the snow covered streets and asked a stranger for directions to the wrong place without listening to his response. i kept walking, without direction. my mind began thinking less and less of my destination and more about survival. i turned corners, i fell, i climbed, but mostly just focused on walking. i tried using the moon as a compass, trying to remember how it looked before i left. i couldn't remember, if i even noticed it before. i turned a corner, there was a building with lights on, which looked warm and inviting. the doors were unlocked, so i walked inside to see women in fancy dresses and men in formal ware. ashamed, i kept walking and came to the end of a long corridor where i turned a corner, opened a door, and walked up some stairs hoping to find a way out. i don't know what i looked like being in the state that i was, but some security guards stopped me as i reached the top of the thin stairwell. they walked me to the front of the building and called me a taxi. we often learn something new about ourselves in the strangest of situations.

it's hazy today

today is a hazy day and i have nothing to do. it's nice to have days like this. like a reference to all past memories of hazy days. a reminder that we can't see everything in life we used to. it all looks so different now, a little bit scarier with sad undertones. i hope it doesn't clear up for several days now, i like to be sad with the weather.

i like to go out and have fun

a while back a friend of mine was trying to hook me up with a friend of hers. she said things like,

"you'd be good for each other. she likes to do things, the way you do."

what she meant was, i like to go out and have fun, which apparently not everyone likes to do. the reason me and this girl even came up as a possibility was because i got drunk and asked her for her number after chatting with her most of the night when we bailed on a party which neither of us were comfortable at. i probably never intended to call her, it just seemed like the thing to do. the truth was at the time i had just gotten out of a relationship i didn't want to get out of. i guess i was trying to force something to happen. so i called her, or she might have even called me, it doesn't matter. we made a plan to go out one night.

so i went over to her apartment where her surprisingly dorky roommates were watching tv. i say surprisingly, because i didn't know what to expect from this girl, because she's completely ordinary. not unattractive, but plain upon first sight. the friend i met her through wasn't, which is why i figured there was a potential, for something. so we left her apartment and went to this movie. neither of us knew anything about it and it turned out to be a really graphic sexual and violent tarantino-esque film, which i like, but made for an awkward first date scenario. so we decided to leave and went to my apartment where we called a cab to take us to this bar for salsa dancing. some friends of hers were supposed to be there.

so we went to this bar and met up with her friends, but mostly it was just us. this was before i knew how to salsa dance and though i knew how to swing dance, its not quite the same. she didn't know either, so we kind of watched others, stole moves, and shook our hips real dramatic. we didn't drink anything except water, dancing is dehydrating if you do it right, or wrong. after last call and the lights came on we left the bar and walked back. we shared memories and thoughts as we walked past the night lit buildings and closed stores. i took her to her apartment building and said goodnight.

we hung out on and off for the next several days. one night i called her to do something, i was shooting pool with some people at the time and told her i'd give her a call when i got back to my apartment. upon arrival at my apartment i called her, but she didn't answer. i didn't leave a message, probably because i was tired and just going to bed anyways, or because i hate explaining myself spontaneously to machines. so i just went to bed. i called her the next afternoon to do something before i left town for the weekend. she didn't call back. on the bus out of town i received a voice message from her, it went something like,

"hi.. i'd like to do something, but.. what the heck. you said you would call me back and you didn't. i mean, what am i supposed to think. i fell asleep by myself on the couch. i'd like to do something, but not if i can't count on you."

i didn't call her back.

highlight

aimlessness is a type of freedom.

in the train station they careened and veered like go cart drivers, or antelope averting some predator. men and women in hundred dollar suits. it was about 5pm. it happens almost every day at 5pm. people fill commuter terminals everywhere then disperse as quickly as they came. each of them wore the sternness of their goal on their faces, not satisfied until the burden of the day is left behind and the freedom of familiar personal comfort surrounds them. the resolution of this mission is probably, on average, the most exciting part of their day. just going home.

recommendations

death tolls and release dates. it's all a matter of perspective.

flags fly half mast all too often these days. walking down the street, some people smile, some people don't. some refuse to step aside out of courtesy, even if they're taking up the entire walkway standing side by side with their partner.

i was walking with a girl, complaining about the uncertainties of life. she did her best to console me. she said things like, "you're not alone," and, "it will work out." the usual consoling friend monologue, and she had some recommendations as to what i should do. other people also had ideas for me. everyone's ideas completely different, revealing each individuals unique conception of who i was in relationship to their world, but not mine.

more natural

she doesn't like using the air-conditioning during the summer. its because she doesn't want to pay for it, she says, but really i think its because of some ethical primitivist fixation. though, she doesn't mind propping the door open on hotter days, trying to suck the cool air from the air-conditioned halls. does being selectively cheap help nature? does successful economics make you happy?

speaking of happiness...
i was sitting out in the sun today with a friend, using the term loosely. we're friends out of convenience and small common interests only, which i guess defines any friendship. so i was playing cards with a friend today out in the sun. we were passing the hours, much like i'd imagine a pair of elderly retired men pass the hours, reflecting on the moment and moments passed. we discussed our desires, what we thought we needed to be happy. right then, what would make us happy. we didn't know how to go about getting any of these things, it was just a laundry list. there was no course of action to be followed. at least none we planned on thinking up and then taking the time to follow out. it was just things for the moment and thinking about them and sharing them made us happy. having them might have made us happy too, but the moment would have passed and eventually we would not be happy with the same thing. we weren't avoiding happiness, we just weren't going out of our way for it. there's a certain amount of contentedness knowing you don't have to try very hard. it makes things seem more natural sometimes.

pretty hard and cold

listening to ugly noises and watching machines. progress as we know it is pretty hard and cold.

i was chatting with a self-proclaimed successful salesman the other day by accident. he was driving me away from somewhere i didn't want to be, towards a place i looked forward to leaving. as he drove i opened and closed my eyes involuntarily, being very tired from having worn a suit all day long. neither of us made eye contact, since he was driving and both of us preferred the scenery to the sight of each other. aside from large exits and towns, the scenery remained green and lush. trees, bushes, and grassiness abound. suddenly he said to me, presumably since there was no one else present, something like,

"it's amazing to think, one day this won't be here. it will all be developed and built upon."

based on his phrasing and lack of emotional disclosure it was difficult to tell if this thought made him sad or excited. using the knowledge i had obtained about him from having spent the entire day together, i presumed he was happy about it. i did not respond or i might have said, "yeah," quietly, still looking out the window.

gently flickering light of hope

things are getting placed into boxes without a destination.
we're trying to improve, but don't know how to measure it.

i haven't made a drawing in quite some time.
i often wonder how i became miserable when i starve myself of the things that i knew made me happy.
at least i know.

my name

just so i have it in print. in case i wake up one day and forget, however unlikely.

my name "fusselman's rabbit" comes from chapter 6 or so of Phillip K. Dick's Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said. within which there is this little story or fable about a bunny rabbit trying desperately to be something it isn't and can never be; a dog. it's a good little story/metaphor and i've always related to it, i even included a reference to the story within a paper i wrote for a comparative literature class. i got an A on the paper, i think i did on all the papers in that class, it was on Don Quixote. the parallel was made between the Don's attempt to be what he isn't and the bunny's. differences being whether or not they achieve their goal. not everyone gets to. in this duel the bunny was the loser. fusselman's rabbit.

capable of anything

so i'm going to go a little post crazy here in the beginning. for a number of reasons:
A) i'm bored and unemployed
B) new things are always exciting
C) fuck. who cares. i want to

i was watching chinatown yesterday, it's a really good movie. classic even. you should go watch it now.



now that you're back i'll focus your attention on a key part of the movie. there's this line in it that really stood out to me, something like;

"most people never have to face the fact that in the right time, the right place, they're capable of anything."

churn that around your head and see what spews out. anyways, that's all.

and now a picture of my brother at a noriban (apparently korean karaoke). he's the one on the right, i don't know what's up with the weirdo on the left, i'm not related to him.

eureka

so i just made this blog or whatever and i wasn't sure why. i've made websites/poetry collections on-line before. i don't really need this and have often considered myself better than it.

i think i know now why i did it. because i needed something to complain to about life which my friends or anyone i know won't be able to associate directly with me. so there it is. get ready to be pummeled with ranty depressed rhetoric on why my life isn't worth living while i proceed to ignore this philosophy.

doot doot.

one.

so i guess i'm doing this, because maybe i'll update it more than i did my other "blog-esque" sites.
i dont know where i will live next week (what else is new).

scams are all over, people are taken advantage of every day
it's not so bad if you have the right perspective.

WARNING: this is likely to get ugly/pretentious, without due cause.