you're gorgeous hon, don't worry about it.

so i sat there all morning, i hadn't eaten. it was about 11:30. i wasn't really doing any work, there wasn't any work to be done really. so i went out to lunch. i told the girl who works with me i was leaving, not that i had to, or that i had said anything else to her all day. just to say something. walking down the street at lunch hour, you see a lot of people. different kinds of people. business people, non-business people, weird people, ordinary people. i walked by a lot of these kinds of people on my way to get food. i saw two girls, one of them was stopped, looking at herself in the mirror, like she was fixing her hair. "you're gorgeous hon, don't worry about it," i said. i don't know why i said it, i normally am not so forward and outgoing. she just looked at me and awkwardly grinned as i walked by. i mumbled "it's cool" kind of as an awkward default statement. i don't know why i said it, it's like it came out of my mouth as the thought entered my head. i don't know why i said it, and i don't know why it bothered me for the rest of the day. also, i haven't shaved in about a week. so i'm looking pretty grizzly. i don't know what that has to do with any of this. but it should be noted. i don't put a razor to my face without motivation.

it's standard.

keep your standards and "the way things are". i want to know a good reason. a reason to do things like you do. one day i stopped having fun at parties and bars and just doing things in general. things seemed to change around me, even though i knew i was someone different. someone who no longer wanted the things people around me want. none of it. searching for an example of a life i consider worth living, not only tinkering.

"you have a blessed day, mam."

she only said it when she was really pissed at someone. they often said, "you too," with a scowl on their face. our memories of people become caricatures over time. it is no wonder we have love affairs with the past. we only remember the parts of their personalities that stood out. it seems like such a cartoon when we think back. like everything had meaning and purpose, not like now at all.

some people want to have nothing when they die:
having money is not happiness, maybe spending it is. maybe just not enough.

you should have tried harder.

some things are easy to say without considering context or pretty much anything it involves. most people may agree, even you may agree, but it doesn't change the result. not counting the losses, just pick up and move on. go where they smile and mean it. don't forget to zip your fly. the pretty ones are where you want to be.

he sits there, all ass-wise and sure, and yet..

he's never fought for anything in his whole life.

maybe he would have killed me.

maybe that guy would have killed me if the couple didn't happen to walk through the parking lot just then. or maybe he would have just pestered me until i got irritated and went in my car, maybe then he would have tried to use force. maybe i could have reasoned with him and told him i was a really nice guy and that he shouldn't do anything to hurt me, maybe that would have worked. or maybe i could have told him that i didn't care if he hurt me, that it wouldn't make him any richer and that we're all just suffering through these lives together, maybe that would have made him think twice about things. maybe he had a knife and just would have threatened me some. or maybe he would have stabbed me somewhere so i would be injured but still live. or maybe we would have had some sort of fist fight there in the parking lot. not that any of this matters, because that couple happened to walk by just then, and he left.

GODDAMN YOU, YOU FUCKING SLUTS! an ode to strange forgotten friendships in a series of unrelated questions.

where did they come from, where did they go, how do you get them back. stupid question. the past. you don't. when you judge yourself primarily through others and your relationships with them, what do you do when you don't have any? and how do people judge themselves if not through others? through personal successes? social ranking? those confident fat slobs raking in piles of cash, banging trophy wives. people want to be them. is that enough? if i sit at a computer day in day out, if i can't see my own penis without looking in a mirror, does none of this matter if we are given a little respect? a little power? one might say, none of it matters if i can have what i want, when i want it. does anyone really have this? or they just change their idea of what they want to fit what they know they can have? or to fit what others want? they came from inside me. i left them. you don't.

i don't care what anybody says

there is an objective reality, and it mostly sucks. why did you make those decisions you made? they changed your life. it's a safe bet to say you have issues, maybe serious ones. you probably couldn't even know it if you wanted to. it's sad when you look around and could pick any person at random and imagine a past for them that would lead to them being great, by anyone's standards. because they're not. so, why do miserable people go on living when they don't enjoy it? because it's easier. living is easier than dying when you are perfectly healthy, there's always the possibility of surviving any attempts at self inflicted death. no matter how miserable a person is, they probably don't want to be miserable and paralized. then they're just fucked. the irony is if they were unhealthy, it would probably give them some sort of motivation to persevere. either way it's tiny pointless goals. take those away and you're just a monkey on a rock, scratching his ass, looking at things, maybe wondering why.

the last time we spoke

she seemed a little crazy. i don't know what that was all about, but it's nice to know i'm not the only one.

she doesn't want much out of life.

she sits there on her computer. she talks only when spoken to. some weekends she goes to the beach. it is uncertain who she goes with, or what she actually does there. even when spoken to she doesn't ever have much to talk about. she won't answer the hard questions. she just says, "i don't know" or avoids it in some other obvious way. she has a boyfriend, i've met him, he's not too different. one could say they are perfect for each other. some people are contented easily.

sitanddonothingbox

most of the time we're just sitting and waiting. we don't often know what for.