she looked at me like i was crazy.

i should have known then. she would never love me like i wanted. so i asked this girl out. sort of. i was drunk and asked for her number, she gave it hesitantly. a few days later i call. i get the machine.. "..so there's this place i heard of, on south water st. they do thursday night swing dancing, it could be fun. if you're interested give me a call, ###-####. thanks." i don't know why i said 'thanks'. i think a combination of nervousness and the habit of ending machine recordings with "..give me a call back, thanks!" so now i just thank people for listening to my awkward recordings by default. she didn't call. thank god.

chameleon

sometimes we find we've been so many different people that we forget the reasons behind the things we do.

fall cloud, fall

all this planning, all that trouble, trying and hoping and risking it all. only to find that she doesn't even care. just another person she'd rather forget with the past. of all the things i've had to do in my life, of all the thing i've had no control, this one i wish i wasn't blamed for. i don't think this thing i did was wrong, but she'll have me think otherwise. despite the fact that i came back, every reply she makes could just as easily be followed with,
"YOU ASSHOLE, YOU FUCKING LEFT!"

it's true.

can i tell you a secret?

it all blurred into one meaningless orgasm. i was ready to give up because of the lack of meaning. everything since i left has been a sort of afterlife. afterlives probably have less meaning than actual lives, only you can't take them away. i've been going crazy. i think it has to do with sex. binge and purge. never in moderation. we can't go back to who we were exactly, we just take something from it with us. we like to think there are certain things we can't lose. i lost it. fuck up. i've been watching walls fall in. just sitting and watching, not doing anything about it. i was unhappy, but everything was better.