panglossian detritus extant

on the bus ride, their public conversation only consisted of four subjects; how much vicodin was ingested, video games, pornography, and the uncertain location of their stop. an older woman seemingly on her way home from work was obviously disgusted. earlier today the crack head showed up for work and then left an hour later, just enough time for her to publicly criticize my misspelling of the word 'drawer' and not accomplish much else. they all go on living, though i'm not sure exactly why.

generalized learned experiences

everything we do carries with it a million assumptions, many of which are wrong. we depend on them. correctly applied they can be major short cuts in life.

angry without food

"you have a way of viewing the world that i cannot understand," said one monkey to the other. and they laughed and laughed and laughed.

why we're fighting all the time

it made sense; she was totally corporate. all the reasons she loved him were bad ones and besides, he stole them all. some people are gifted at life and some people just fake it. it normally ends worse than we thought it could.

wasted quiet days in space

smells like a bubble bath and love.

for better or for worse

in general we're probably worse than we used to be. most psychological tests seem to be focused on tricking people. getting people to do things against their will to display flaws or irregularities to better understand how things work. mind control. constant tinkering and exploring. we are great observers, if only we knew how to better organize and make sense of these observations. labels and generalizations only give a vague representation of anything.

her thong was visible in her low cut pants, made of a fabric that begged to be touched. the kind of thing people only put on with expectations. so much time is wasted thinking of stupid things like this to write.

the sun shows for a minute or two at noon, but the bright light shines all night long.

Please wait while we upload your life...

she didn't realize it, but i was always just passing through. when i said, i love you, i didn't mean forever. and when i wished it to always be like that, i didn't really think it could. she might have, but throughout life i've tried to concern myself as little as possible with impractical expectations, however impossible to avoid. the most reputed paths in life seem to be those of tolerating torturesome states, while telling oneself they are on a path to impractical expectations. ironically, this mindset is the only chance one has of ever reaching these expectations, however impractical. more often people will fall short and more often they will go on living with lacadaisical justifications or none at all. it's easy to live, knowing whatever life you wanted wouldn't have worked out.

smile

she smiled then, a loose, clumsy smile, genuine, unpretty.

we either live a life too short or too long. more often too long in a world too flawed. as our lives go on this seems increasingly obvious. justifications are as empty as existence itself.

a nap partner

i don't think she would have loved me if she'd met me then, because of who i was and what i thought i wanted. she would have left me to become someone she might love, without ever having known it. i think i may have let her go as well, because of how i pictured love. on a movie screen, on a tv show, as a girl who never gets older than twenty and needs nothing more than to cave to my every desire. natalie portman, jennifer love hewitt, whoever. i saw enough of them, one of them was sure to have undying affection towards me. if only i could happen upon meeting her. then her flawless personality would mesh with mine like the most perfect of tanglings. but i never would meet her. and even if i did, love degrades like happiness, chaotic and unpredictable, yet always new or disappearing. i wasn't looking for someone i could lay down with and take naps with forever, but in the end that's all any of us get. someone to talk to and look at before and after naps.

take notes

they fall in love so easy when they want to and then act like it is out of their control. if we really said "i love you" not necessarily with any thought or worries, but when we felt like saying it, because it is a nice thing to say and can make people feel good, would we say it more? just dig a hole in the ground and be happy you're somewhat comparable to a character someone casted and wrote lines for on tv. if you dont finish anything, no one will care except possibly you. if you don't care, then it doesn't matter. keep records and data to build theories surrounding the possibility of achieving what you want. then realize on your death bed that all you wanted was to spend the time you wasted collecting records and data doing something more productive. let's do more than just observe and take notes.

i quit

i decided i wanted to quit, and i did it. i quit. it didn't make me any happier, but i quit.

despite instinct

it was the first time it's happened since i can reasonably remember. i looked at the crackers and i didn't want any, i wasn't hungry. i didn't want to eat the crackers. putting them in my mouth and devouring them did not seem appealing in the least bit. i ate them all anyways.

i should be in movies

the more i think about it the less it makes sense, but the more i want it to.

a quiet soundtrack to a new apocalypse

pleonasm

you can't love something you don't know of, you can know of things that don't exist. you can love things that don't exist. it's an excuse to have and give hope, if only for pretend.

how can loving something too much be bad?

they couldn't stop. it became a part of who they were until being without it was impossible. they died unable to remember how it had felt before, instead, they remembered a list of facts, both arguable and unarguable. these facts that made up who they'd become, told them nothing of what they'd thought or the theories behind their actions. in regards to this, one could only speculate. it made retracing paths to happiness impossible. this self-reflexive archaeology became more of an empty habit than a finite goal, like most things done too frequently.

it's not fair

when i dream of home, i dream of a place i no longer live.
when i dream of love, i dream of a girl i no longer have.

lets go someplace different

dance parties everywhere, heavy with salacity and herds seeking to fill the void in their lives. people do this at all ages, all over the world. they will travel over the largest of oceans, the tallest of mountains to perform their mating call in a new gene pool. but really it's the same gene pool. the same idiot genes doing the same idiot things trying to prove they're desirable in a world. not something left for the garbage men to leave behind. still so many find they are left behind. but, even old men in young clubs get lucky with a liberal cash flow. fuck, let's get away from it all and go to cancun.

overeasy

jealous over nothing; it happens all the time.

2003:this just in

jonathan brandis killed himself at the age of 27, if you don't know who this is you can check out a handful of the legion of fan sites that outlived him.
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this last one inparticular compares/confuses him with the characters he played, stating they would have never done this.

also, there is apparently an organization which deals with issues pertaining to child actors called; A Minor Consideration (AMC). what do you make of all this?

flower plucks self

there's a lot out there for you if you know hot to get it.

shit.

putting on a smile

certain people probably meet misfortune more frequently than others, are they to blame that their dispositions bare these scars? not all people are born with sunny dispositions and not all are taught the virtue of optimism and selective enduring. if you just happen to bump into a few too many miserable people, to the point that everyone you see is miserable, this could effect you negatively. subtly, but actually. some people can't help how they are, we say as we go about things, putting on a smile.

i wish i wish i wish

“I wish I could fall in love and have a boyfriend like that,”

she said as she watched the couple’s inebriated dance. She might not know it, but she can never have a love like that or be thrown around in such a carefree manner by a great lover. If she was lucky enough to meet such a person, she would ruin it before she was able to comprehend its value. I think she knows. Watching them dance made her a little sad.

a list

things i need more of in my life (in no particular order):

philosophy
alcohol
song writing
writing
painting
love
dancing

Mr. Robot hearts technology

in the future, everything will be in 3-D. it's progress.
(they probably really believed this in the 70's.)
ha.

lets all try: too hard

in the meantime, i was thinking about aliens and wondering why happiness often seems like chasing air or giving up.

people spend lots of money to dress sharp, but they often end up trying too hard.

diet: teddy grahams

hi emily.

some things are best left admired from afar.

we're dancing naked in a vacuum

as a kid, i was staring at him. he must have been in his mid teens with the beginning of a moustache above his lip. i wondered how long it took him to grow it, though it must have been a long time, since he'd obviously never shaved. i wondered how long it would be before i could grow one. it turned out to be seven years or so. my staring made him uncomfortable. he called me on it. i quickly pretended i hadn't been staring, poorly.

now that's love

he promised that he would fix it. no matter what, he would make it all better. so much so, that all the harm he caused in the past wouldn't matter. he would earn back his worthiness and then some. now that's love, or it would have been, had he been able to keep his promise.