life, the experiment of potential

the modern world demands immediate satisfaction when something is needed. supply to meet demand. basic principles of capitalist economics. our mascot: the boyfriend who gets it regular but still needs to rub one out to porn now and again. it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, you're just not always convenient. jerking off always seems to be the path of least resistance and a ubiquitous metaphor in the modern world.

i'd seen people more feral, worse off.

i knew he was talking to no one before i approached him. he picked up a gravel rock, the size of an egg, as i made my way toward him on the sidewalk. he kept mumbling, as i passed without making eye contact. while i kept walking i heard the only audible words he spoke, "yeah.. you don't fuck with me, i don't fuck with you." then i heard him drop the rock to the ground. as i walked on i thought to myself, that seems about right.

there are infinite versions of experience, unfathomable to each other. the way you know things might make sense to you, but outside yourself, you're likely wrong.

she's about twice my age now

i asked momma what that smell is. she says the air's cleaner. not so polluted as in the cities i'm from. says it's better for me. i don't care, i miss the dirty air i'm from. i'll make friends with smokers, just to breathe a different air. just to keep the cleaner air from telling me of everything that's gone. i told momma it doesn't seem worth it, working most your life to stay alive. she responded like the thought had never crossed her mind. but you can tell, she's no happier about it than me.

a drawing of a banana in a sandal.

hope is born out of ignorance. the fact that we don't know what's coming, it gives us hope. that isn't to say we don't have a reason to hope, who knows, something good could happen. it just means that we don't know, so instead we hope.

i hope for impossible things. i think people that hope for modest, realistic things that grow on trees, they might be more optimistic in general. i hope not.

i'm not much for trying, more for champagne.

the new people you meet will never be the people from your past, no matter how much you want them to be. things are going to change. one would hope this means if things were bad they'll get better, or even if they were good they'll go bad, just for something different. but it's more likely to just change into a different version of the same old thing. the future is uncertain, but that doesn't mean we don't have a good idea of what's coming.

so i tricked some guy.

he's giving me money to do something stupid, which i'm probably not qualified to do. i'm still not any happier. a celebration is in order. i'm going to bed.

stupid cream cheese.

this cream cheese has gone bad. i just had some the other day, but now i can see there is mold growing on it. perhaps i'll get sick. then again, i've been relatively unhealthy for some time now. not from any cheese, but sick of this dance. the whole dance. every move, every thought, every non-act saturated with fairy-tale hopes that even when met, end in disillusionment. this cream cheese has gone bad, like most things here.

celebrity

this numbers game is catching up with you.

turn for the worse

she's unlucky in love. she doesn't even know yet, but for the rest of her life she won't ever find someone who makes her as happy. still, she is looking very hard, though she'll end up settling for something less.

one day

she stands outside alone, practicing her golf swing. one day she hopes to beat him.

hope in spite.

a magnificent world is in front of you to tear down and start over. there's really nothing you see that can't be changed or questioned infinitely. man is obsessed with destroying and building again new. he feels it is the only way to really change things. it's the only way to do anything.

he was ugly and he drank.

some people don't care about anything except making life work for them. sometimes it isn't that hard. now and then you can't help but laugh at people, knowing exactly what drives the silly ways they act. and yet, you're always just guessing the world makes some kind of sense to them, whether or not it does to you.

the smoker

It was coming up. The arrangements had been made, this year it was going to be different. Every year around this time Tau Kappa Epsilon throws a party to seek out new pledges and perpetuate their legacy. Every year it’s the same thing, guys sit around drinking, smoking, and watching porn. But this year, Brett had a different idea. As head of social board for the frat, Brett decided to go for the real thing.

Though there were certainly some closer, the only place anyone in the frat knew to hire strippers from was about an hour away, so she had to be picked up. Since it was Brett’s idea, he volunteered, which didn’t make his girlfriend, Susan, too happy. “I don’t want you driving for an hour alone with a stripper.” “Fine, so come with,” he said. She agreed.

The couple arrived at their destination to find a girl and two men. The girl was an obvious knockout, even through layers of clothes, with a tight figure and soft welcoming face. She was a sharp contrast to her male counterparts, one in his forties and the other about Brett’s age, both large and unhappy looking. “I’m Mel, these are my bouncers,” the girl said, “they’re just going to make sure things go smoothly.” “My name’s Jim,” the older man said as he shook hands with Brett, “and this here’s son number three,” and pointed to the younger one.

Meanwhile, at the frat house, the guys were getting riled up with drugs and porn, anxiously awaiting the real entertainment of the night. The atmosphere was dingy and, to the elders of the frat, nostalgic of smokers they’d held in the past, with added excitement in anticipation of their guest.

The five of them squeezed into Brett’s small car and headed to the party. “It should go over real well, we’ve got a stage set up for you and a dressing room and everything, the guys are really excited,” Brett said to Mel. “That sounds fine, I just have a few rules I want everyone made aware of before I begin, Jim will make sure of it.” Jim added, “Me and number three will make the announcement, then we’re just going to hang out by the stage to make sure.” Brett glanced back at the two men through his rear view mirror; number three just looked out the window as if nothing interesting was going on in the world. Susan sat next to Brett and smiled fake, obviously uncomfortable with the company. The road was dark, poorly lit, and the silence that came with the drive unwelcome.

They arrived at the house to find a herd of drunken horny college students drooling at the prospect of a naked girl. So Mel changed into her little out fit in the dressing room the guys had made up for her. Jim gave his speech, while number three stood next to him, indifferent. Then Mel came out, to some music she brought, showing off more of her unimaginably perfect figure. She danced and flirted with the guys, accepting tips in her g-string and between her firm breasts. “Take it all off,” the guys would shout spontaneously from the crowd. Jim and number three just stood on opposite sides of the stage, watching her, still unhappy looking. Finally she was standing there unclothed and the guys cheered and hollered at the sight of her exposed body. She danced around the stage some more shoving her butt and breasts in their faces for approval and money. Then in one swift move she spun around and whipped off the wig she had been wearing, exposing a clean bald head. The wig was caught by one of the guys in the crowd, then immediately dropped to the floor. The mood in the room briefly changed and silenced like the skip of a record, then gradually resumed. A few days after the party, one of his frat brothers said to Brett, “she didn’t need to do that man, it really ruined it for some of us.”

the fortune cookie said: a mans best posession is a sympathetic wife.

maybe if i would have said 'i love you' one more time, then she'd still wish she was with me. maybe if i could have that one more touch i dream about, maybe then i'd be happy. maybe if i try real hard i'll get everything i want. everything but that.

open fields

driving around in the country, you see a lot of open fields. almost to the extent that people being stupid anywhere else in the world can't be justified. they could all just go to the open fields and be stupid and start things on fire, blow things up, or just stare at things. open fields are perfect for stupid things.

in the evening news.

it's echoed throughout our culture, in every facet of humanity. you just have to look for it. we live for stupid reasons.

divine intervention.

he spoke of me objectively in my presence.

a civilization of clowns doesn't understand why their lifestyle is undesireable. it is all they know to be, and their only method of value is humor. one day a clown will be born who realizes, humor doesn't matter and clowns are a joke.

i have a plan: follow

they're ok with it, i'm not. i've been moving in a different direction for some time. the world is full of people focusing on the task at hand. a task often at hand: things get worse before they get better. there are a lot of things we haven't realized yet. some things we never will, in fact most. if we looked at everything from impossibly far away, it would probably just be black. probability tells us that there is a chance. but let's not gamble our lives away on the chance that one day we'll find a little more hope. a little more direction, not with a destination, but direction away from a place we know is gone. dreams die hard, but they die none the less.

...and the rich jerk off long into the night.

a world long forgotten, a world of god, sport, and caring, particularly about the future. some things always feel wrong and uninviting. growing up wont change that. it doesn't really change anything except what people expect of you. tiresome experiences.

farewell to thee

i'll pass through your world with ease, like wind blowing through the leaves.

they were friendly and welcoming,
but it seemed neither the time nor place for it.

in a world of constant change the act of salutation is eternal.

idiot stumbles upon pre-existing watch in perfectly good condition.

take something you own, anything, the more complicated the better. now take it apart. now try to put it back together. i feel that's what we're doing to the world. i feel like that's what i'm doing to my life.