the truth of the matter.

i don't really want it. i just want to be able to say it out loud and mean it.

practicing conversation

locking things up for good. no one does this expecting it to stay locked forever, just until it doesn't matter to them anymore. it should also be noted, southern sushi is served a little different from midwestern sushi. a bit haphasard. "she probably knows how many calories are in this, she's a nutrition major," a boy in the other booth said. we're listening to their conversation. learning conversation. when you listen to people a lot, it helps you know what they want to hear.

there are certain things she doesn't want to talk about with anyone.

she said she doesn't like watching tv. her sister watches it all the time, for three days in a row, she said. she'd rather do things instead of just sitting there. i asked her what she does instead. she plays teacher with made up people. she teaches them to read and do maths. she wants to be a teacher when she grows up. that's a good thing to be, i told her real respectable and purposeful. sincere kids can make everything seem ok for a moment. it's a kind of hope.

life doesn't mean anything.

love.

he smells his hand afterwards, just to bring back old memories. it only lasts about half an hour.

i am hip hop

i used to keep a journal. i stopped writing down the things that happened to me when they stopped happening. the world seems to be composed so that, if you really want to, you can reason your way out of existing, exposing the stupidity of any act. justifying indifference with jaded awareness and bitter experiences.

he cut himself apart like a social lobotomy. nothing of him lasted much longer after that. waiting, just waiting for a nice person to say 'hi'. because we're no good at doing it ourselves.

how are you?

i'm sorry, what i meant to say is, "what are you doing and why?" and just because you answer quickly doesn't make you any better than those kids at the store who wont shut up about a stupid video game their parents don't want to buy them. they'll grow up to preach philosophies of nihilism and contradiction, because it says something about not having to justify things. not that this is who they are, but something they aspire to be. people sit alone sometimes, and sometimes, when they are alone they think angry thoughts. sometimes these thoughts are directed at other people in the conceptual incarnation of violence or death. society makes us suppress instict to an extent.

the sun is too loud.

it hurts. knowing things we wish we could forget. they had sex, she was pregnant, he's a different person without her, she won't know more of love. and yet, feeling most alive and close to dead are not so different. giving up is easy. all of this is easy. things never get better too soon. forget it.

(it yells beautiful memories of a past that might not have happened)

chemical boy.

chemical boy is barefoot always.

finding things again.

happiness; walking down an empty street, smiling. if you keep on walking, eventually you'll find a pretty girl. just keep on smiling.

the transcendental waterfall

i do nothing except think about the past. this empties any future. maybe if love wasn't settled for so often. a change will come, but not necessarily when i want it. doing the things i want to be good at like a nervous habit, in hopes that one day i will be 'good'. i hate worthless small talk and fluff conversations, expecially when i start them. it fills me with a feeling like the awareness of falling out of love. i'm being stubborn, i don't want to change even though i should. i'm hoping for a compromise to present itself. this hope might only be waiting for life to end. less a hope than an aimless wandering.

solution: hang out with friends, day in, day out, making ideas to pay rent... t shirt designs, illustrations, modern folk art. people pay good money for these things, just sell them on your greatness.

a very indifferent mothers day.

if it wasn't for her, i might've just been flushed into oblivion like all the rest. um... thanks? the only life that might ever grow inside me is a parasite. "tape worm host day." man, i would love to see a card for that.

of all possible outcomes; nothing good.

pranks and jokes. when nobody laughs you're supposed to have learned something. growing up we're supposed to have learned something too. you can't prove existence to some people. this is probably just stubbornness, but even so, it shows a lack of universal evidence and substance to our understanding of the very nature of being. some people don't think about this kind of stuff, but i'd like to think most have at one point. ruining a person's day is easy. a life is just a bunch of days. some will be good, some will be bad, most will be forgotten. old people who need surgery and can afford it get it. children who need surgery and have parents that can't afford it don't get it. are we to assume that the people with money are more deserving? or that it doesn't matter one way or the other? then again who says that old people with money shouldn't get it merely because they are old? is greed a natural and fundamental characteristic of man? things are going somewhere, but i'm not sure i want to see it.

poor boy long ways from home

goal #1: win
goal #2: gloat
goal #3:
goal #4: sleep

one at a time kiddo. let's just skip right to the end. look back at the others and laugh.

hating the self's otiose

the "cultured" try to learn more about the "uncultured". it is what allows them to think they're better. reality packaged, filled plump with lies, like the truth hidden in sarcasm. everyone knows, it's just easier not to acknowledge. we all live in our own skewed version of reality. like them. i've never seen them so close to death, that's nothing new. though it could happen any day now, that is. and their conversations, their conversations aren't any more relevant. though they carry on like it's the best of all choices, or even better, like there are no other choices. acting as though they're in the right, always.

you hope it isn't true.

not many people care about the things you care about. unless you care about things you have no control over.

he's smart, but he doesn't know everything.

the boss was treating us to lunch. at one point, to unsettle the silence caused by a gap in age and hierarchy, he asked us about politics. i don't normally like talking about politics, but i commented. he said i was wrong. maybe i was. he's made condescending comments about everyone in their absence. it would be stupid for me to think he doesn't do the same to me. talking politics and ethics from atop a pedestal, it's something to see. as he rang up the bill, the waiter stared off at the wall, not smiling, like he wasn't sure if life is worth it. i could say some things here, and someone could probably argue against them, but does it really matter?

everything has changed

you've gotten better, he said to me. from the days you would sit and think about nothing except bubble baths and razor blades, better. not much has to change for things to seem different. i still think about those things, he just doesn't know it.