don't tell anyone

(i need to get out of all this. here. all of it. soon. or something bad will happen: nothing.)

breaking things

it's funny, funny as in weird, feeling both happy and sad at the same time. remembering is magical, it can do this. though the happiness it brings can sometimes feel a little more sad than happy, the way life often does.

we were just talking. i was sad. she wasn't necessarily sad, but she was by the time she left.

apocalypse packing

we're packed to venture out into the woods to eat and sleep and make shelter. we'll come back pretty much the same. maybe a little dirty and hungry compared to how we left. who are we kidding, we'll probably just get drunk and tell stupid stories. the same thing millions of other people are doing in the comfort of bars or their homes. only we're outside, holding sticks and crossing our legs. someday we might not have an option.

it happened

two bottles of champagne later... a plan.

fair trade

i love the smell of coffee, it brings with it so many wonderful memories. i don't drink coffee. i used to go to coffee shops and eat scones just to smell the coffee around me and read. plus coffee shops are neat places to go and just be at. but since i've moved, the scones aren't half as good. i need to find something else, maybe coffee.

poke/prod

everyone thinks i'm looking for a job. in truth, i'm not looking for a job, i'm looking for a type of life that will leave me contented. i don't think any typical job will result from this. i'm beginning to think more and more that nothing will result from this.

in a world

i loved her. i really did. it was frightening and wonderful and then gone. everything that isn't is a lost potential in a world where anything is possible. i used to strive for pragmaticism towards those kinds of things. other people get sick of pragatism real fast. too much calculating and rationalizing, not enough humanity. in the end they're going to sell or throw away everything we have left. sentimental doesn't mean shit to anyone else. I'm falling asleep now and I wanted to do so much more with my day.

she never knew

she never knew sex could be loud until she stopped living with her parents. even then she could never bring herself to be loud. it was her roommate, not patient enough to wait for privacy before having sex with different boys. and the porn the roommate watched with the strange boys she braught over, once she was asked to join in, she was on her way out the door and exited without hesitation. there were also the complaints from her lovers. "you don't seem to get into it enough", "it seems like i do all the work", "why don't i turn you on?". ok, so the last one wasn't so much of a complaint as a question. but what if that's all she's got? what if that's as into as she gets, as much work as she wants to do, and what if she doesn't get turned on, at least not like her roommate or any of the girls in her "boyfriends'" videos. but what if that's not it, what if it's him. what if there's someone else out there who likes to make love just the way she does, quiet and soft. not loud at all. and what if these quiet love sessions would open her up, open them up to a new way of making love. more vibrant and tantalizing than the raunchiest of her roommate's sessions. perhaps she just needed someone who didn't try to teach her, but just let her be natural; the way she was supposed to be.

most people

you shouldn't partly give up on life. you should either embrace life, or give up completely. i don't think these two characteristics describe most people. i think most people partly give up on life.

corner apartment

she cried for the first time since she could remember. that's a lie. she cried often, not long before bed. since she left home she realized she hasn't felt love the way she used to or the way it is in movies. not that this is what she wanted. secretly she wanted something more, a kind of love that can't be captured on screen or in words, something that can't even be called love; a happiness that makes you wish for death. without this everything seemed petty and mundane, as it was. this is why she cried.

the boys who said they loved her are gone now and even further are the ones who didn't bother. it's true most people are just a reach away, but a reach can flurry into thousands of miles when stubbornness and bitterness take shape. the stubborn belief that running away from the past will bring happiness and the bitterness that disallows old scars to heal properly. after years begin to pass a reach to some seems just impossible. and why bother, especially knowing they never loved her like she wanted. if they did, it wouldn't be like this. a world with a love like that would be a different world. a world where fading loves leave no trace. a place where we can depend on our lives having a purpose and that purpose coinciding with our happiness. at the resolution of this goal we die, not a moment later. that she couldn't have this was something she'd known most of her life, but this was little consolation. eventually she'd fall asleep.

a ranting on a walk in the rain on the way to get groceries

advertising

i decided this anonymous guy has a good idea here. networking is important these days, even if it is on a mass impersonal level. i am going to start networking the same way to produce a massive income. this will be great! my new message which i will sporatically post anonymously on every blog in existence is this:

"you are deep and interesting, please send me your money, love every few days."

then when people see how clever i am and that my message relates to them, they will be motivated to send money to me. i don't see why people haven't thought of this before. wait yes i do, it is because i am so smart. i am going to get so much money like this.

damaged goods

"i could love slobs and bastards," she continued. "i've had cripples and creeps in the sack, and i've bent over backwards for them. but for the first time, i meet a guy who really had it all. good looking, brainy. the whole time i couldn't help thinking, what's the matter with this guy? when's he gonna dump me? he's not gonna keep a pig like me around, no way. i felt fucking anxious as hell, like he's going to get under my skin and bang, drop me from heaven. well, i finally couldn't take it anymore. i told him i never wanted to see him again. he wouldn't leave it at that, so i damaged him and finally went off with another guy. the next day, when i heard he offed himself, i realized that he wasn't fucking around with me, that he really loved me." she started to cry in a painful and frightening way.

sometimes our past experiences don't let us trust good things.

sell yourself

she's pretty with a bit of attitude, someone will give her money. besides, it's not like she'll starve from a lack of resources.

re: dusting off antiques

lets try this again:

3 years ago this is what i did for fun, it was awesome.

stupid money

no one feels bad taking stupid people's money.
while it certainly makes you wealthier and probably smarter,
it might not necessarily make you happier or better.

today i got internet full time kids.

things are going to get a lot more interesting or at least a lot more frequent. this is for certain.

relationships

dusting off antiques

i know this isn't working... give me a few days to fix it.
(i don't have constant internet access [i know how outdated this makes me.])

3 years ago this is what i did for fun, it was awesome.