I always think I'll love something more.

if we think about it too long it will destroy us.

somebody has to be nobody.

everything's mission is it's own destruction.

it's been so long now.

i feel like i've always been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. but it can't be true. looking back now, it just seems normal.

you make me think these things and it's hard.

i've told so many girls i loved them, but i never meant it as much.

a perfect moment

everything has come together and everything is for a reason. life jumping out at you. we're under blankets smiling.

i wish i could see the humor in things once again.

ha.

wincing a life away

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it's funny

I can't remember the last time I really laughed out loud.

salesmen

a great salesman is an expert at buying into his own bullshit. it's a skilled trade.

oh shit.

i don't think it was shit, it didn't smell anything like shit.

rebirth

i wanted to think that everything about her would die without me and in a way it did. but not in the way i wanted.

not acknowledging happiness, for fear that it will abruptly end.

why does it have to be over; why did it have to end. it was so nice. remember the reading tree, the one we used to sit beneath while the summer sun declined. just to enjoy life together. it used to be so easy. these things are gone now and all i can do is hope that when i sleep, my dreams will do them justice.

i got carried away.

i got carried away trying to be something that was a bad idea in the first place. i tied things down to the surrounding circumstances a bit much, thinking if i could only replicate them, everything else would follow in suit. it's not true, it only made the things i want further away, and much more apparently so. don't tell anyone, but sometimes when i know someone really wants me to succeed, i secretly hope to fail, only to disappoint them. just to see their hopes fail. just to prove this world is not a fairy tale and good things don't always happen if you only want them to. this is how happy i am.

i'm only going to say this once and without explanation.

you should never put a great deal of trust in someone who has the potential to let you down. everyone has the potential to let you down.

i have no idea what you are like now,

but i wish you could still be the way you were then.

the moments in life that make us who we've become

do you ever think back to the crossroads in your life and wonder, what if things would have gone the other way. what if things could have been so much better. and then get real depressed. it all could have been so much better. the sick torment of only being allowed a single outcome in a world with endless possible outcomes. even the rich and famous sometimes think back and wonder, if only..

coming into a world already populated by idiots.

you pretty much have no hope.

ok with nothing.

sometimes it's all you can be.

the death of a salesman.

it was something, not much though.

it's just horrible

when you think you love something, then find out much later that you don't.

i want a big cool scar for people te be impressed by.

you're not an authority on anything. get over it.

morning after..

BULLSHIT.

it's funny how one word can be used as a descriptive for every aspect of one's life. funny.

to laugh alone again and not care. not even think about it.

watching myself the way others do, i'm that kid in high school that got nervous whenever anyone paid him any attention. and you just knew he was going to do jack shit with his life, but he knew a whole lot more about rock n' roll than anybody. except i don't know anything about rock n' roll.

sometimes i get really overwhelmed with things and i have to take a nap. then i wake up and have to deal with things again.

ugly as fuck and washed up, from doing god knows what when he still had life in him.

the important thing is the obvious thing nobody is saying.
-bukowski

not again..

i'd like to finish that conversation on life we never got around to.

a banana split & the ups and downs of real life.

if you walk away from something, there's no guarantee you'll ever get it again. if you wait around forever everything around you will change. trying to choose the right path in life seems pretty much a coin toss unless you're willing to put up with just about anything.

things fall apart.

Arr..

life is cyclical in nature and now you're back to where you feel you've been a hundred times before, so now what?

take the quickest route to whatever's next. drink.

we only want to hear about your problems to feel better about ourselves.

we've all got issues of our own. thanks.

summertime bacchanalian

she was beautiful and we were dancing.. when the music stopped i kissed her, then she looked away. "sorry" i said, "is that not ok". "no it's fine," she said, so i kissed her again and we kept dancing. and kissing. and dancing and kissing. someone yelled, "get a room!" which just made me kiss her again. by the time we finally stopped i had forgotten it was a world with people who come and go through your life as easy as a summer breeze. i had forgotten anything existed at all except for me and this girl and our dance. but it did, and as the moment slipped away i knew happiness would be getting it back. love would be getting it forever. and that's when i started to believe such things were possible. and that some people will never know.

what were you thinking just then?

a series of looks that can only mean one thing: disappointment.

hope: the beginning of something new

one day something will change how you view everything all at once. one day everything will be different, yet eerily the same. I heard a good story:

a man was shot and killed outside a bar. "the city" was the bar. he was a homeless man, shot and killed. he was shot by another homeless man outside "the city". the two homeless men were having a dispute outside the bar when one shot and killed the other. he was wearing a kilt when he died.

777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777788888888888888888888800000000000000000000000000000000000000006666666666666666666666666666666666

it appears that everyone else in the world has simultaneously gone crazy.. or i have. or maybe i've just grown apart from everything. all these kids, they're all grown up. priorities in closed relationships and establishing ones self in the world. almost as if there was some big memo passed around that i missed out on. everyone just seems to have a better idea of who they are and what they want in life than me. especially at this age. i've spent a good deal of my time lately thinking back on situations in my life where i've been the most pathetic excuse for a living being. awkward, unreasonable, irrational, unable to justify the things i do with any sort of coherent logic. fun seems about impossible these days. the worst of it is, i felt like i was normal for a while, just like everyone i can't relate to now. so far gone.

i was trying to learn something about people again.

but there was nothing to learn. they just do these things, sometimes because they want to, sometimes because they feel like they have to. it all ends up amounting to nothing. just a lackluster carnival of abandoned children pretending life can still feel magical. only the bird's wings are left behind, long after it's dead. they're not of value to anything else.

target consumer

don't sell them who they are, sell them what they want to be, what they aspire to be, what they'll never be. if they were ever there, they wouldn't have to keep trying so hard and we wouldn't be able to manipulate them so much. sell their weakness. their insecurities. if they want to be cooler, show them cool people using it. if they want to be artsy, tell them this is what artsy people are doing. you're taking them apart, setting them up for judgment. when this person they aspire to be whitnesses them having bought in, the embarrassment, the laughing in faces. you're no closer to being who you wanted to be than when you were born. you're not going anywhere and they know it. we all do.

strangers, stranger.

it's coming apart. surely. when the summer rain makes us wet and seemingly youthful. feeling, like i used to know someone. like we used to be the same. comforting ideas are all we get these days. dropping like flies. i always knew these days would come. i just never thought i'd be around to see them all fall away. and in a way i'm not.

as humans we're supposed to be so aware of the world around us. conscious of the chemicals they put in our food, the politics that influence our rights, the economics that govern our money. these things we should know, to protect us from other humans. humans that would otherwise fuck us over. we probably spend most of our lives trying not to get screwed by other people who are just trying to not get screwed by someone else..

most people on the job.

if you give them the opportunity to do nothing, they'll take it.

a wake up call

just because you want to be something, doesn't mean that you are. in fact, often quite the opposite.

they talk a lot about fucking, like it's still taboo, like everybody doesn't do it.

they only do it so people think about them that way. because otherwise no one would. it just gets sad after a while.

they're looking at you like you don't know anything, again.

i didn't want to think about her being under the knife. her legs spread apart. the cutting. i didn't want to think about her that way. so i didn't. and eventually i forgot about it all together. but then he called, he brought me into it. so that i felt it with her, even after it was over. thinking of where i came from, everything feels like it needs to end. too tired to try, too tired to care. think about how you got here, where you're going.. why? did i ever feel alive, or is it only an illusion of memory? i know who i am but i try not to be.

the things that move us.

if i didn't do anything based on a feeling of social, moral, or cultural obligation, then i wouldn't..

race

a heaven would be much too similar to justify striving for.

it seemed like thet right thing to say at the time.

i could talk about putting my penis inside of you, and us holding each other so that we can be pretty happy for a moment or so. but no one wants to hear about that. not even me. unsatisfied by nature: who will crack first?

reminder to self:

don't say anything so painfully obvious that people look disappointed.

sometimes ducks just need alone time.

i saw a duck in a small pond by himself without any ducks in sight, just swimming around the pond. i wonder what he was thinking.. gee, i'm glad there's no one around..

jerk.

i always end up with girls nicer than i deserve. eventually they all figure it out.

today is a brand new day,

but i have to get up on time to hate life again tomorrow.

i'm not entirely sure that life is worth living. not just mine, any.

a loud noise. blurriness. the cold slide out of warmth, as we must feel being shoved from the womb. the cell phone alarm, the primer. right next to my head it is instinctively turned off, sometimes without being aware of it. then, something like peace again, but only for a moment. the music begins. easy at first, nothing so harsh, yet noticeable. it will be playing as consciousness intertwines with dreams. then the grand finalé. i have to get up to turn this one off. this is the one that is supposed to really wake me up, though i normally just go back and lay down. it's too cold. it's too hard being awake sometimes. eventually, after i think i can't possibly waste another moment without some sort of repercussions, i go into the shower. for a moment it too is warm and feels like a comfortable return home. but it too ends, cold, unhappy. no time for food anymore. just driving, only half trying to not ram into the person in front of me as i watch the break lights go on and off. still thinking how much better unconsciousness feels. the computer i will sit at for the next eight hours will be my only friend, lover, and enemy throughout the day. i feel more a relatitonship with it than any of the people who recite their recycled stories and respond with obvious anecdotes and stock phrases. good days and bad blend together into a miserable dance of servitude. the day closes, the sun goes down, the computer i spend my remaining conscious hours with at home is a nightly affair to the machine i use durring the day. every second of it all, i feel as little as possible. eventually this must end. it has to.

we can fly the jets. all to the moon. fueled by love. hating everything we leave behind.

her love takes hold. remembering life as it used to be, it's more like dreaming of someone else's life. there's no use in not trying for something grand. we're only going to end up ruined and broken anyways. her love is a reminder. it's something that can't slip through her fingers one day. she can't even hold it in her hand. sometimes she's not even sure it was ever there. but every now and then it grips her, like comprehending life in its entirety is almost within reach. then it slips away.

25 years later, thinking: was i always such a freak?

comments welcome.

easter is coming.

this easter, let's drink a bottle of red wine alone. again.

every day i feel more defeated.

this is a world full of people i want nothing to do with.

bite on rocks: teeth shatter, bite your tongue: thoughts shatter.

they're good people, it's just that other people annoy me. i hate other people. i would never tell them to their face, but they think it too. i can tell by how they look at me sometimes. they hate me. we're just suffering each other together.

discovery

i will never be happy the way i want to be.

find a fuck.

in a world where you could pretty much always find a fuck if you truly desperately wanted. more often it seems you end up rubbing one out in a dark room alone.

walk around the complex.

going out in the world is disturbing. people are annoying, navigation is frustrating. interact only when completely necessary. otherwise you become one of them. ignorant of your own flaws and obnoxious existence.

fill up with empty stupid thoughts.

something was missing; they took it. it was life. they're still taking it everywhere they go. nothing can be done. it's constantly leaving us at every turn.

the future of life depends on us: doom

as a child life didn't need meaning, just watching cartoons and playing video games was enough. friends weren't even entirely necessary. parents and school pretty much forced them on us, to avoid complete boredom and dissatisfaction with one's social standing. today i can't stand these routines. the ones i do, the ones i see others do around me, seemingly unaware.. everything we do is just sucking the life out of us and there's nothing we can do to stop it. we're doomed. space is our only chance at escape.

on the road

she got it, but never really finished it.

i finished it, but never really got it.

she did it with only the half finished idea.

when you're at your lowest, they will leave you.

when we finally get there all we want are those same old moments back, but they're gone. the future of life is reflecting and forgetting. when god is in your head, life's just more tolerable. closed off and vacant to the natural world.

the difference is this.

when people look uninterested in what you are saying, you keep talking. i stop. everyone says i'm quiet.

an alien world is just around the corner (good morning)

the drugs tasted better once we realized they would run out. even better after they were gone. the lies we tell ourselves these days don't measure up to the ones we told that morning. when the sun woke us up because we didn't bother closing the blinds. even if all the birds could see in, we didn't mind sharing what we were doing with the birds and other strangers. you even wanted to do it outside, on the balcony. you asked for it. i was more modest then. but only at that moment, i can't recall why exactly. those days seemed sluggish and warm, along with the lies we told each other. something about how it wouldn't change. now the days seem harsh and sharp and i can't remember who i was then. but it felt like something better.