can i tell you a secret?

it all blurred into one meaningless orgasm. i was ready to give up because of the lack of meaning. everything since i left has been a sort of afterlife. afterlives probably have less meaning than actual lives, only you can't take them away. i've been going crazy. i think it has to do with sex. binge and purge. never in moderation. we can't go back to who we were exactly, we just take something from it with us. we like to think there are certain things we can't lose. i lost it. fuck up. i've been watching walls fall in. just sitting and watching, not doing anything about it. i was unhappy, but everything was better.