confiding is a good way of making friends.

she didn't look at all like the woman i was allowed to love. she looked at me and looked away. that was the last time i saw her.

an explanation of love

anyone at any time can change to the point that you don't know them anymore.

they have to write you letters

to remind you they're not dead yet. in case you forgot.

something about god or love.
or the lack thereof.

to tell you that there's nothing left.

to no one, kept in a private place, in hopes that things wont change, that the excitement of beginnings can be maintained.
beginning with love, ending with disappointment.

making you numb to what you loved about life.

the disappointment of sleeping with one's fantasy

we fall out of love so easy, only to remember why we bothered in the first place. with everything we try so hard to be, certain things do not escape us. those things we want will not fulfill us, we will want things even after they have been attained. it's endless, it's all we do. wrestless uncontented lives we live. it's best for the elderly to keep busy, without this wrestlessness, there is boredom, emptiness, depression, carelessness, and inevitable death. frothing teeth, pulling hair, getting things done until we stop, not that they needed to be done in the first place, or that anyone will miss them once it's over. the world is not how i expected it to be growing up. it's worse.

it's easier to be homeless in the south

he can stand on just about any corner and no one thinks twice, whatever time of year it is.

typical belief

believing is the whole battle. giving up better judgement for a hallow smile. it's only a matter of time until everything we see tells us there's no other choice. until we believe it is the better option. after having had it shoved down our throats all our lives. we're going to have to make some sort of compromise. every day of my life i realize i'm compromising more and more. until eventually it has to be considered merely caving in. if i would have known this from the start it may have saved me a whole lot of wasted effort, struggling. i'd still feel the same way, i just wouldn't do anything about it. i just wouldn't try so hard not to try.

lunch money for guitar strings

it's all a matter of what's important to you. struggling for a life with meaning. trying to make it count, without any examples to point to. "is there anything in your life that could change to make you not want to kill yourself?" there's probably a chance. he knows all about arguments and analyzing human logic and words, but he doesn't know shit about quantum physics, or even trigonometry. we're all just trying to be part of some whole that doesn't even get much done, except continuously fondle and yank each other. milking with an air of dignity and self-righteousness. power and a sense of control in this life always comes down to someone fucking someone else.

i know i'm going crazy

but i don't know what else to do. with all my time looking into glowing screens. all social relationships deteriorated. we live so we can die. i keep starting over and it keeps getting worse. it seems like sticking it out isn't an option, when it is the only option life has to offer. the good times killed me. the fact that they began to spread themselves out so thin.

he doesn't smoke.

at 36 he owns his own company, has a 25 year old girlfriend, goes on 3 hour runs, and thinks i want to be like him. he has no idea. i'd rather be a crackwhore.

some things don't come naturally

the things of this world that everyone does. i keep find myself having to force them. if left to my own exploration of things in a vacuum of a world, i don't think i'd do them at all. i'm not sure what i'd do. probably just give it all back. here you go, you can take it.

i didn't eat much of anything for a long while.

he was just talking. about the 60's, after his parents kicked him out. he was a teenager. some guy gave him 10,000 hits of lsd. it was easy to get rid of. all those sheets. he was talking about how he used to travel around, living out of his car. some of his story didn't make sense. there were holes and exaggerations which were obvious. i didn't say anything though. he was drunk. it's allowed. sometimes life's better as a story told drunk in a car, on the way to a bar where you will drink more and think back on the people who have come and gone along the way. it mostly seems stupid going through it.

she's unreasonable, so whatever.

they're all doing their thing. sitting at bars, drinking drinks, getting upset and walking home. little battles won and lost. someone will want you, it's only a matter of time.

a question for the elders

do you ever stop having dreams about old lovers?

love = 0

math is logic. zero is infinite nothing. we're drifting around making calculations with our movements, trying to subtract the difference between ourselves and something else. trying to fill the negative with positive by creating something, let it represent us. it is a complicated equation we are performing every moment. we are rounding, creating variables and rules as we go. even so, the distance between ourselves and everything else is always greater than zero.

audrey hepburn

a woman who will do anything you ask... hesitantly. it's the subtle doubt that makes you love her all the more. without that it would just get boring. she could love anyone, the fact that she's with you is pure circumstance. when she crawls on top of you in the dark, you just happen to be the one she's crawling on for now. all those things you said to each other, those are words you can say to anyone, anytime. words are easy to say. love is easy to make. it's only a matter of finding two people looking for it in the same situation, in the right frame of mind. anyone can fall in love. anyone can fall in love with anyone. the changes that happen to us can make us love someone we may never have considered an option. in contrast, it can make us fall out of love with someone we thought we could love forever. we're all just waiting to fall in love with each other, even if we think we already are in love. we're waiting for something else in life to love. the only real love is a new love. like happiness, fragile, fleeting, and over.

trying to relate to her idea of god.

would i make something like this? no.

the accident

she spoke somberly about her scars to the camera. referring to it as "the accident", she mentioned, we don't always have any control over the things that happen to us, but we do have control over how we deal with them. she looked as though she was about to cry when she said this, but the editors cut to some footage of her walking majestically from an ambiguous office building. sometimes we deal with things by not dealing with them.

left of a labido: nothing.

those girls. you know the ones. that only have worries in life so they can feel like they're the same as everyone else. they even force it sometimes. doing things a certain way makes them feel like they have more control over their world. although it seems much more that it was made for them. they did this to me. they're still doing it. the most beautiful of relationships are doomed to wither and decay into barely recognizable artifacts of a forgotten perfection.

going back

i don't know if i believe in eternal return, but it seems to be something to be desired. as a man, always penetrating, always seeking the forgotten comfort of the womb. the mother, every man's first penetration. he seeks out others, he'll try and fail, and settle for something he can tolerate as a parallel to perfection; a reminder of where he came from. for girls it's different. perhaps there is comfort in being the host, a feeling of being wanted, needed, fundamental to a system. but even they have this cryptic nostalgia for comfort which compromises into coitus. inside of her he's a parasite. she thinks about him, he thinks about her. they both think different things. they both do their part to keep things going.

developing a nervous twitch.

"Historical Fact: People stopped being human in 1913."
-p. 95 Middlesex, Jeffrey Eugenides

see that kids, there's nothing more to worry about. we're just one big assembly line. you're just worrying over something that already went wrong. this whole thing.